After a lack of content, I bring to you the worst listicle you never asked for. What are the top beverages for us as skaters. We are all thirsty after a good session but what is the best coolest (or most profitable) way to quench that thirst? well look no further because the Bologna will provide answers.
So its basically just sugar in a can, but they give you a ugly billboard of a hat to wear. They also pay you to wear this hat. Unfortunately if you decide to take the hat off for any reason at all, you are in breach of contract and will be shot. Rumor has it that Nyjah has sex in socks AND his Monster hat. You get to become not just part of a skate team, but of an elite action sports conglomerate along with your favorite motocross riders and snowboarders. It unleashes the wings and gives you the beast or some shit. You also get to be in soulless videos that look like they were edited in a boardroom. If you drink enough you can die of heart disease before your career is even over.
Skateboarding is all about courage and beer is just courage in a can. If the energy drinks don’t destroy your health fast enough you can also crack open a cold Coors. It’s an open market with companies like St. Archer and Black Plague helping skaters make a quick buck off the craft beer craze. Just ask investment guru Mikey Taylor. There was an old saying “My drinking team has a skating problem” and lots of skaters have not so gracefully stumbled their careers from popping ollies to popping cans of brew. Jokes aside, drinking is very bad for you and makes skateboarding incredibly difficult. The myth that a few beers makes you skate better is absolutely not true and every skateboarder should steer as far away from regular drinking as possible.
Now we are onto healthier drinks that will still give you a heart condition. Coffee is the sign of a sophisticated and mature skateboarder. A nice shot of a warm cup at a coffee shop to start out a video part shows maturity and possibly underwhelming tricks. Janowski was often seen with a cup in his hand and i’m surprised Suciu didn’t have a cup in his hand for some of his tricks in Verso. Unlike beer, a cup of coffee will make you skate better and you can even skate early in the morning before all the kids crowd the skatepark. Some lucky ones even get a sponsor from Stumptown but I wouldn’t exactly endorse the video they made… but big ups for a coffee company making a skate video! more of that please.
Specifically Jimbucha made by Jimmy Astleford formally of DC. He is a great guy and a local to my in North County. It sounds gross because of the word fermented but that doesn’t stop any of you weirdos from drinking beer. It’s like special juice and unlike beer it actually makes you cool to show up to the spot with some “booch” as the kids say. I can’t vouch for how it makes you skate, but Jonno Gaiten drinks it and the kid has fucking super powers and the best kickflip of his generation! No word yet on the heart disease aspect but i’ll let you know when Evan Smith gets his autopsy done.
For real though, the one thing that all skaters need to be drinking is more fucking water. You are all dehydrated. Right now, pick up a glass of water and take a drink. Refresh yourself please. More water will make you recover faster, be able to skate longer, help you think better, keep you from getting sick, make you less tired. If you think you already drink enough water, you are wrong and need to drink more. Seriously. I remember a group text between the Baker guys to see who could kill a whole gallon the fastest each day. It is the easiest thing you can do to help your body feel better. Plus if you end up sitting at a spot while your friend is trying to film a manual trick, you can always just do the bottle flip thing. Drink more water!!!!!!!
(Most of this is sarcasm, but some of it is truth. Pick and choose what you what to feel about it. I’m just happy to just write something after a period of having no inspiration.)